I once got my car fixed by a man named H.
I asked him what it stood for….but all I got was, “Just H.”
So I decided to look into the name H and I found out he is not the only H out there.
This is H. Ty Warner.
An Intense Individual on all accounts.
H is the man who founded Beanie Babies.
What does H stand for? It stands for: Have you seen my bank account. The individual is worth six billion.
You see, sometimes I go by El Sea (aka: my initials spelled out…LC). My cousin Pea Sea (Paul Comrie) first called me that back in ’03 in some email chain. It stuck.
So after my run in with H, I started thinking about all the letters in the alphabet and which ones work as names and which ones don’t. If they do work as names it’s usually when they are spelled out. So I thought I’d do a little exercise to see if the letter would work as a name if I spelled it out.
A – Eh. Only in Canada.
B – Bea. As long as it’s short for Beatrice. Definitely NOT just B.
C – Sea. Not gonna work. You can call a kid River but not Sea.
D – Dee. I only see it squared. Like Dee Dee. (The name of my baby-sitter when I was eight. SHE WAS A PSYCHO. Dee Dee would make my siblings and I seperate all the celery shaped Vegetable Thins from the others for her. UMMMM….THEY ALL TASTE THE SAME! You know what we got after we were done going through the box of VTs? A glitter sticker you’d find at one of those cheesy rip off sticker machines you see at ghetto movie theaters. Then she would let us read her “high school algebra book” while she watched MTV. Sweet deal.
E – It just wouldn’t work.
F – Again. Eff? NOPE!
G – Gee. Gea. I mean yeah, Gee-ophph…the correct way to spell Geoff but Gee is not a name.
H – see above.
I – Hi, my name is Eye. And this is my brother Tongue.
J – Jay. Acceptable.
K – Kay…Another acceptable one. “Every kiss begins with Kay.” I hate that jingle.
L – Elle. MacPhearson and the magazine. Elle is acceptable for some reason. Not sure why…but we allow it.
M – Emme. The plus-sized model on E! Another acceptable alphabetic name.
N – En. Doesn’t work.
O – Oh. Nickname for Oprah but not an alphabetic name that stands without explanation.
P – Pea. It’s better as a soup. 
Q – Too touchy to go here.
R – Maybe for a pirate.
S – Es. “My name is Es.” SICK.
T – Tea. It’s a drink with jam and bread. Let’s keep it that way.
U – You. Naming your child this is would be basically naming him after Rusty James in Rumble Fish. Always wanting to be someone he’s not.
V – Vee. This to me seems moderately reasonable but still not right.
W -Double You. Two Words: NOT COOL
X – Like Q, I don’t touch this one.
Y – Why. What’s your name? Why. Cause I want to know. Why. — This. Would. Go. Nowhere.
Z – Zee or Zed in Canada. When a Canadian named Zed becomes an American citizen they are given the option to change their name.
You see – really no letters work as names except B and ironically J, K, L, and M. Something suspect is going on in the middle of the alphabet….and I am nervous to find out.
On that note, have a great night and stay YOU.
