September 2005

When I read this headline, “FIRM HAS HIGH HOPES: MARS COLONY BY 2025

,” in the paper Saturday morning I almost put the paper back in the bag, back outside on my doorstep, and crawled back into my bed to just start over.

Humans to settle on Mars in 20 years? Had The Onion been delivered on accident?

I think by “high hopes” they mean a group of people got together, smoked something illegal, watched Apollo 13 and came up with the brilliant plan that they could go take over Mars.

Two words for that group: GOOD LUCK.

In summary, the plan that 4Frontiers’

CEO, Mark Homnick, has is to bring human beings to Mars by 2025 through independent financing and sales from a tourist attraction dedicated to Mars. Personally, I didn’t know it was that easy to take over a planet but what do I know? Maybe I’ll go stake out Jupiter or the 10th planet, 2003 UB313. (Love the name.)

The first step for Homnick and his team is to develop a mock-up of what they hope life on the Red Planet will entail. This mock-up will be a place where tourists can come and pay an exuberant amount of money to see what 2025 has in store for them. Everyone in Colorado, Florida, and New Mexcio beware. This Mars site may be in your backyard in the next couple of years. Homnick and Co. are looking at locations in those three states. San Diego has Sea World, Colorado has Mars.

It’s an understatement to say Mark Homnick is obsessed with Mars but he is not the only one. There are many other intense individuals out there who love Mars, belong to Mars societies

, and attend annual conventions. Mark Homnick just took it to a whole new level.

On a positive-you-go-get-em-Mark note, if Mark does succeed he will go down as one of the great explorers in history books around the world. The only difference with Mark’s mission is that he will have a different mode of transportation.

While Amerigo Vespucci had this…

Mark Homnick will have this…

For all you BOM’s (Believers Of Mark) out there, I will make a bet with you. If by 2025 Mark sends a group of individuals out to space to inhabit the Red Planet, I personally will find a way to pay for you to visit them. Yes, do the math, that is 20 years and millions of light years away.

Good luck with that, Mark.

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I was at the grocery store with Nicole the other day and saw this Soap Opera Magazine cover. Right when we saw it we burst into hysterics. The look on Jason’s face is just priceless. A subtle look of mortal terror as he contemplates his impending death.

A couple days later I was back in the store and saw it again. The bag boy recognized me as I stood there laughing at it. He walked over to me and said, “Are you the same person who was laughing at this from the other day?” I nodded sheepishly and he just kind of gave me the look of “I-don’t-get-it-but-I’ll-try-and-pretend-to.”

As I gazed at the cover I knew right then that I didn’t have the willpower to turn and walk away. I had to buy it. I scrounged up $3.50 in change (because when I pay all in change it doesn’t really feel as expensive) and clutched the coins in my hand. WHAT A RIP-OFF THIS WAS! This magazine was more than any of the other Guilty Pleasure Celebrity Magazines and it was half the size (about the size of Reader’s Digest and the thickness of Parade).

This was a waste of money but I couldn’t turn back now, my willpower was shot to hell. The cashier motioned me forward, picked up the booklet to scan it and then had a moment with it.

With a sympathetic look she stared at the cover and said, “I can’t believe he’s going to die. Everyone knows it. Chloe, Bart, Chelsea…they all know.” The woman shook her head and reluctantly handed the magazine to the bag boy. I mean yeah I loved 90210 back in the day but there is a point when you realize it’s not reality. I personally cannot stand Soap Operas but maybe I am missing something because the way that woman spoke about Jason’s death it was like she was talking about her own son.

Feeling real awkward for buying the magazine at this point, I quickly handed her the coins, told her I was “Sorry about Jason” and went on my way.

As I got in the car I thought to myself, isn’t “Jason Is Going To Die” just a nice way of saying “We at General Hospital hate your acting, you’re fired, you suck?”

Tough on him that his acting ability is splashed all over the press.

If you are reading this and are an avid fan of General Hospital, please divulge the juice…WHAT IS UP WITH JASON AND HOW SERIOUS IS IT? (Obviously I chose not to read the article…I got my $3.50 worth of entertainment from the picture alone.)

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Yes that’s what the United States Government called me from April 1985- September 2005. An alien.

My green card is gone and I am now officially American. Well, technically American and Canadian since Canada does not make you renounce your citizenship.

Here is a picture of my mom and I with the most patriotic person at the ceremony. This South African woman really deserves a thumbs up for the outfit. She had been planning her outfit for weeks.

The ceremony itself was actually quite entertaining with about sixty countries represented. The best part of the ceremony was when they called out each country and the people from the given country would stand up and wave. My favorite moment was when this guy from Sudan stood up all alone and waved proudly. When I met him later on and shook his hand, he asked me where I was from. When I told him I was from Canada, his face lite up and he said, “Oh! Do you speak Arabic?”

I am still really confused by that question.

So in light of my new citizenship status I decided to pay homage to the 30th state in the union and also one of the most underrated: WISCONSIN. I am huge fan. Bergie and Emily can back me up here.

To honor the great state, here are some pictures from the land of cheese during my visit last December.

Oh the anticipation…

This picture speaks for itself.

Madison, the capital of Wisconsin.

Tom and the Orange Moose in Black River Falls.

The Great City of Oconomowoc.

One thing you must know about Wisconsin is that it’s not just about the “Killer Antiques” but also about the “Curious Antiquities.”

Ardy on his way out to go ice fishing. Unfortunately, his caretaker ate shit on the ice trying to snap the picture and had to go across the street to the muffin shop to ice her head. (No pun intended.)

Madison’s famous Ella’s Deli, where an individual with ADD could spend months and not get bored.

Then there’s Mount Horeb, home to the International Mustard Museum.

And as if it couldn’t get better than mustard, Mount Horeb is also home to the Trollway. A street lined with different kinds of trolls the size of this.

But what really make this state AWESOME are the Quality Individuals that the it produces.

The Mielke Family, Bill, Barb, and Anne from the city with the most original name, Oconomowoc. Fantastic individuals who know a thing or two “too too” many about tequila shots.

Kevin Harper from Madison with my fish, Deep Roy.

Jake Feala from Hillsboro, currently on tour in a city near you.

JJ Kalscheur from Madison, standing in front an Olympic venue in Barcelona. Never have I met anyone as obsessed with Olympic venues like JJ.

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner all the way from Milwaukee? Yup, it’s the magnificent Spencer Tracy.

The artist, Georgia O’Keefe from Sun Prairie. I am shocked there is not a flower in her hair or something.

The Man from Appleton who knew a thing or two about handcuffs, birds, and psychics.

Cool’s dad in Parenthood, the good ol’ Thomas Hulce from Whitewater.

Chris Farely from Madison. I have never asked any of my Madison friends this but is this a big claim to fame for Madison like Katie Holmes and Toledo, Ohio? (Please do not think I am putting them both on the same pedestal…it’s just a question, K?)

And let’s not forget…the Gene-ius with the golden tickets from Milwaukee.

I highly recommend a little Wisconsin getaway. The cheese is good…real good.

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So I have my swearing in ceremony on Wednesday to become an American Citizen. There have been numerous interviews, fingerprinting, tests, and oral exams since I began the process but I will not go into them yet. Not until I am officially a citizen Wednesday night will I divulge the top-secret info leading up to this momentous occasion.

To all my Canadian relatives and friends, don’t worry, I still love Canada.

And so does Ardy.

It was just time I did this. Duel Citizenship. Basically, I still love ice hockey, OK?

I am not nervous about the swearing in except for the rumor that they make you sing Francis Scott Key’s Star Spangled Banner on stage karaoke style in front of everyone. I’m not gonna lie, it could get weird.

My friends and family can attest to the fact that singing has never been my forte. I would say the same thing about musical instruments in general except that I taught myself to play “My Heart Will Go On” on the piano back in 1998. (This was the result of a break-up in high school.)

The only other time I felt a surge of musical genius was when I played the trombone in 6th grade.

But as years went by I realized that the trombone only made me that much more uncool. That and the mullet I was sporting thanks to Lance, my hairdresser, who thought “sides” would look great on me.

Flashback 1991 San Diego, California.

Lance: “Today we’re gonna do something different, Lisa.”

Lisa: “OK. But I just want a trim.”

Lance: “I know, I know. But I am also gonna cut you sides.”

Lisa: “What are sides?”

Lance: “It’s the new style. It will look great. You’ll see.”

One word: TRAUMA. I suddenly looked like an exact replica of my hockey-playing brothers. The count of boys in the Comrie family had just been increased to five. Luckily, I had my trombone to drown my sorrows into.

This is a fake smile.

Yes, the net behind me is the net surrounding an ice hockey rink that I am standing on. Yes, that picture was taken in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Yes, the girl next to me is my Canadian friend Nicole. Yes, it was our finer days.

Back to my solo performance on Wednesday.

The funny thing about my singing skills is that I used to be in the school choir back in 7th and 8th grade. I practically Milli Vanillied my way through the two years but nobody really knew. The only major solo performance I ever had was when I had a delusional moment in 8th grade and thought I could try out and GET the part of Lady Tiang in The King and I. I somehow scrounged up every ounce of courage I could find and signed up for try-outs.

When the day came to try-out I think Mr. Salter did a double take when he read off my name on the list. As I made my way up to the piano my palms became sweaty (Eminem style). As I arrived at the microphone I gave Mr. Salter a huge grin and he shot me a look back as if to say, “Are you sure you want to do this?” Oh yeah… I was ready.

I am not sure if this newfound confidence stemmed from the fact that my mullet had just finally grown out or what but something was going on in my mind that told me I could get this part. As I heard the intial notes on the piano being played, I scanned the room, saw my crush of the month looking at me, and began to sing away. Or shall I say squeak. Out of my mouth came absolute nonsense that made everyone wince, including Mr. Salter. There are some things in life that are hard to forget. This is one of them. That crush never did ask me out.

The ridiculous thing is that I not only thought I had a good enough voice to take one of the lead roles in “the school play of the year,” I also thought I could pass as Asian. It goes without saying I did not get the part. The character of Lady Tiang went to Heidi Christ who suprisingly had an unbelievable voice.

Yeah…yeah…yeah…you’re number one, Heids. I got it.

Maybe I should call Heidi up tomorrow and get some lessons before Wednesday. Come to think of it, she could also help me with my outfit. Something red white and blue. I have a feeling this won’t do.

I’ll call you tomorrow, Heidi. (Happy Birthday by the way. I am glad you got to spend it with Beetlejuice.)

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