May 2008

So Deirdre went to CVS the other day. Bought TWO things. TWO THINGS! Toilet Paper and chapstick or something and…her receipt was almost as long as her arm!

Is it necessary? Seriously, I don’t care about the coupons attached for 25 cents off a Jolly Rancher pack or a buy one Bounty Quilted Quicker Picker Upper get the second one free. And I don’t need to be told that they appreciate my business and that they hope I come back. I KNOW they want my business! They are a STORE!

And speaking of absurd things…is THIS necessary?

I mean it wouldn’t even fit into a mug for hot cocoa! (btw: do people even do that anymore or am I still living in 1994? Has it moved to whipped cream only for a Hot Cocoa topping?)

Anyway, I am not trying to go all Morgan Spurlock on you but….WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE SUPER-SIZED? A small receipt is fine (no receipt is even better), one normal mallow is fine…. a Gulp will be more than I can take…

It’s gotten out of control!

It’s probably all his fault.

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So, I got a very sweet thank you note in the mail. I want to say thank you for the thank you note…but what if I make mine even sweeter…then she will have to send me a thank you note to say thanks for sending me an even sweeter thank you note. And then what if what she says something in that thank you note that warrants a thank you from me…..AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

What if I just don’t send a thank you note back but then I see her face to face….. I guess what I normally would say is, “Thank you for the thank you note.” But I am just starting to realize it sounds weird. You see, what if I say, “Thank you for the thank you note.” And she responds, “You are welcome.” Then if I go one and say, “What you said at the end was so thoughtful.” She will have to say, “Thank you.” And then what if she pulls one out of the bag and says, “Well you deserve it” — or some shit like that. GULP. I know where this is going! I will then have to respond “No no…(and do the obligatory trail off into “humble no no” land — during this awkward “no no” time I will probably shake my head or even raise my hand or something lame to stop the praise….human beings are so weird.)” As my no’s fall off into space, she will catch onto this attempt to not accept a compliment and interrupt my no nos and go, “no no you do.” and THEN I will have to say, “well, thanks…”

Hey, by the way…thanks for reading, k?

ps Instead of “No No” I could have said “Oh Stop” and then I’d really hit the deep end of lameness.

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