October 2005

A Hole Punch of Nonsense

Oct 17

As I was walking back to court after lunch last week I stopped to get a Diet Coke at the little market next to the courthouse. After paying for the Diet Coke I looked down and saw this display.

NASTY

Yes, you read it right. SPAM & RICE W/ TERIYAKI SAUCE…wrapped in seaweed and sealed up with Saran Wrap. Mmmmmm….gag me now.

This did not settle well in my stomach for a couple of reasons.

1) It was SPAM & RICE W/ TERIYAKI SAUCE.
2) It was the most disgusting meal at room temp I had ever seen.
3) I had just eaten terrible cheap sushi myself.

Lesson to be learned about To Go sushi… Just because someone makes the sushi in front of you, doesn’t mean it’s fresh, k?

When I took the picture of this Spam Disaster the woman behind the counter looked at me with a quizzical expression on her face as if to say, “Why-are-you-taking-a-picture-of-my-spam-disaster?”

BTW: Since last Tuesday I have been on a jury for a criminal case. I became an American Citizen and the first thing “they” did to me was get me acquainted with the law. Hello Section 148, nice to meet you.

While it was an interesting experience I am very glad it’s over.

I am off to go rent 12 Angry Men now.

jury

Overall the trial was a 6.4/10 on the drama scale. I was waiting for a “DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED” moment but it didn’t happen.

jack

I give it a 6.4 because there were a few highlights. My favorite was when this dude walked in with this loud red suit. I swear it looked exactly like this.

red suit

He just sat on the defense’s side for almost half of the day on Friday. It was such a distraction and so tough on me not to laugh that I had to actually turn my seat at one point so I didn’t catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye.

When we spoke with the lawyers after the verdict was read today we were allowed to ask them any questions about the trial that we wanted. One of the first questions that someone asked was: “What was up with the guy in the red suit?”

The defense attorney turned about the shade of that guy’s suit and sort of skipped over that question. I am convinced it was her boyfriend or her boss.

Or both.

Everyday we had to go through security and for some reason I kept forgetting to take my hole punch out of my purse. I really have no idea why it was in there in the first place but it caused havoc in the courthouse. It would send off alarms and the security guards would then send it through the X-ray a second time. The first time the Female Security Guard (I’ll call her FSG) searched my purse, she pulled out the hole punch in dismay. She held it up and said, “Not allowed! You must not bring this back in here.”

I made a mental/metal note to take it out.

And the post-it didn’t stick.

The next day I casually walked in and placed my purse on the conveyor belt. As I was walking through the metal detector, that mental note popped into my mind. Damn. I forgot to take it out again. I watched them do the second inspection after the Male Security Guard (MSG) manning the machine yelled, “METAL!!” After the second X-ray the MSG handed my purse to the FSG. She opened up my purse, pulled out the hole punch and said: “I told you THIS is not allowed…next time you try and bring it in here we will discard it or you won’t be able to enter.”

I told her I promised to get rid of it.

Whoops.

The next day, again, I completely forgot to take it out. All the FSG did this time after she pulled it out of my purse was stare at it in contempt. After I apologized profusely, she repeated her ultimatum while shaking the hole punch at me. “Next time…”

The weekend passed and today I arrived with a new purse entirely. The FSG recognized me as I entered and just locked eyes with me. As I put my purse on the conveyor belt she gave me a “look.” I just smiled as I watched the purse glide through and then said to her, “Don’t worry. No hole punch.” This made her really happy.

Punch=f

The most bizarre thing about the hole punch security fiasco was that the scissors that were also in my purse were never mentioned…not once.

Sure bring your Swiss Army knives and scissors; just don’t even THINK about bringing a hole punch.

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BOB ROSS (RIP July 4, 1995)

Oct 12

The Intense Individual Party is exactly one month away. Many costume ideas have been brought to my attention and some just blow my mind. I love that the people invited to come as themselves are actually excited about the fact and embracing their Intensity.

A new element added this year will be the tents set up in the backyard so that people can literally be in-tents. If they want to camp in them overnight and sleep in-tents as well, that would be perfectly fine. Actually that would be MORE than fine.
tents

I’m thinking that each tent will be dedicated to an Intense Landmark. (e.g. Times Square, the Scientology Celebrity Center in Hollywood, Neverland Ranch, Alaska in general…you know stuff like that.) If you have any other ideas for I.Ls please send them my way.

Speaking of Alaska…I miss Bob Ross. He was once quoted as saying, “God was having a good day when He made Alaska.”

This past Fourth of July marked the ten year anniversary of this death. Thanks to a 5 oz tube of Indian Yellow oil, the lover of Alaska painted accents of sunlight on trees and mountains. Excuse me…accents of “happy sunlight” on “happy trees and mountains”. His soothing voice danced along side his brushstrokes with poise and ease as artists and non-artists everywhere were swept off their feet.

It seems like Bob Ross is one of those individuals who pops into my life from time to time. The other day my friend Mike sent me an email with an attached picture of his friend Sam Warren wearing something astonishing.
awesome br

Unbelieveable.

I absolutely love t-shirts like that. I find it fantastic when people wear t-shirts idolizing their idols or expressing their thoughts. Although I find it a bit odd my little 17 year-old sister, Jill*, bought a t-shirt with The Beatles emblem on the front. Fifty bucks to you Jilly if you can tell me who Ringo Starr is.

Kids these days.

The t-shirt worn by Sam exemplifies the legend of Bob Ross and why he is a classic example of an Intense Individual. Although some cynics would say he’s not “Intense” by definition, to be Intense goes way beyond the definition. It’s all about the details.

Yes, there may be other artists such as Van Gogh (because of the ear incident) or Günter Brus (because of the mutilation that went beyond an ear) that would define Intense by their physical actions but with Bob Ross it was his simplicity that put him in that league. It was his sheer JOY of painting as well as the fact that he could make a bush appear happy with only a few brush strokes that made him Intense.

Here is Hew Harris at the Intense Individual Party #2 dressed up as Mr. Ross himself.
matt

The resemblance is absolutely uncanny.

bob ross

RIP Bob. We miss you dearly. We miss you everyday.

Footnote/Asterisk
*Jill’s recent question to me that sent me running to the mirror to check for wrinkles was: “Lisa, WHO is Punky Brewster?” Ummm…this coming from a girl who sports The Beatles t-shirt and drinks coke out of a bottle like she’s in 1968.
jilly2

Jilly, if you want to live in the past, then do some research, baby. Just being a DJ at the Corvette Diner and sipping a malt milkshake doesn’t give you full access to a flux capacitor.
jilly1

It’s not all about The OC…there used to be a show called 90210, ok?

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Sunny With A Chance Of Showers

Oct 07

Wednesday night was Hallie’s bridal shower and I am here to inform you that yes, she got three sifters. No need to worry about that one. It’s taken care of and she is all sifted out.
sifting

Maybe you know what a sifter is…maybe you don’t. If you don’t, well here is the definition. Sifter (n) : a household sieve that separates the fine from the coarse particles. Exciting, huh?

I personally have only sifted once in my life and it was because the shortbread cookies called for “sifted flour.” If my Grandma wasn’t there in the kitchen with me I probably would have skipped over that step and been like “LaLaLa…I didn’t read that” but Grandma was adamant that “I sift the flour.” So of course I did. I mean, she’s my Grandma. When she tells me to sift. I sift.

The result? Shortbread cookies to die for

and I am 100% convinced that sifting the hell out of the flour was the main reason.
shortbread

The thing about sifting that baffles me is that most flour comes pre-sifted but sometimes the recipe calls for sifting no matter what. I guess it’s a good thing Hallie got three sifters. Sometimes you just need to sift the flour itself, other times (more complicated times) you need to sift together a mixture of things. (e.g. flour, salt, and cornstarch.) Putting it all together in a bowl and stirring it with a spoon just wouldn’t do. YOU MUST SIFT!

My friend Heidi was in charge of listing the gifts and who gave them to her. I like this picture because it’s looks like Heidi is saying, “Ummmm…who….gave…her…this…sifter?”
sifting some more

And then there’s my friend Katie who looks to be in shock in awe at the site of three sifters. “Hold on, another sifter?”
s4

So Katie and I started thinking of t-shirt ideas in regards to sifting.

Our favorite: “I’m Married But I Still Sift In Three Sizes.”

Here is a picture of Hallie in a quintessential “This-is-my-Bridal-Shower-I-now-own-three-sifters” moment.
s2

Crate and Barrel boxes – check.
Tea Cup – check.
Flowered couch – check.
Umbrella – check.

Why the umbrella? Well, it was placed by the presents in light of the “shower.”

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