December 2005

Things got weird for Ardy this Christmas.

Also for this reindeer…

That picture was not set up. Lesley Lauren Olenik and I were running in Balboa Park the other night and literally ran into this scene. Thank God I had the digital in my left pocket…it’s moments like this that change your life.

So happy holidays to one and all…harmonize the yuletide carol.

{ 2 comments }

That’s my Uncle John eating his last supper at Koo Koo Roo, the chicken restaurant he used to patronize every day until they shut down all operations in San Diego. Every day John would go to lunch or dinner there until one day, out of the frickin’ blue, they literally boarded* up the shop, not even informing their #1 customer. He said it was like breaking up with a girlfriend.

The picture of John with his chicken and double steamed vegetables was taken at the only other Koo Koo Roo restaurant in San Diego after the break-up. To lift his spirits, I took him there for a therapeutic talk to get things off his chest. Although that location wasn’t too close to his house, he decided that once in awhile he’d make the 20 minute drive there as a treat. Unfortunately that relationship also ended abruptly and Fuddruckers took over a few weeks after our meal there together. That was the last time John saw Koo Koo Roo.

But when relationships end sometimes all you need is time to mend your broken heart. Well, I’m not gonna lie, a new relationship never hurts either. He is now seeing an individual named Tony Roma and doing really well.

Here is the list of all the beverages my Uncle John has consumed over the past 53 years, 9 months, and 11 days.

1) Water…………………………. 111,402

2) Beer …………………………… 8,252

3) Orange Juice………………… 6,000

4) Plain Milk**…………………… 3,653

5) Milk Shakes…………………. 1,920

6) Chocolate Milk…………….. 1,828

7) Bloody Ceasars***……………. 401

Apple Juice …………………. 220

9) Hot Chocolate……………… 55

10) Wine…………………………. 33

11) Shot of Tequila…………… 1

12) 7UP****…………………….. 1 sip, spit it out

Asterisks:
* I equate the harshness of ending a relationship without notice by boarding up a shop to the way “you know who you are” broke up with my friend through e-mail. Totally uncalled for and completely immature.
**All the plain milk that John drank was before the age of 5. After that — never plain.
*** Bloody Ceasars are Canada’s # 1 cocktail and are by far superior to Bloody Marys because they replace the tomato juice with Clamato Juice. Over 250 Million Bloody Ceasars are served in Canada every year. (For all you non-Canucks, Clamato juice is a blend of tomatoes and clams and was invented by the American company Duffy-Mott in the summer of ’69.)
**** John has never tried Coca-Cola.

{ 2 comments }

For a few months now Jake

and I have been talking about having a Guac-Off to find out who really makes the World’s Best Guacamole. This past Sunday it finally happened.

The whole concept of having a Guac-Off began at the National Hot Dog and Vanilla Ice Cream Day Celebration back in July. As we licked ice cream cones and munched on hot dogs, some of us started talking about our specialty dishes that we’re known for. (You know, the dish that gets more excitement from the crowd when you arrive at a party than your actual physical presence does?) Well, when it was my turn to tell the group what I was famous for, I claimed what I always claim, “I make the world’s best guacamole.”

Now, if memory serves me right, I don’t remember Jake being within hearing distance of that conversation, yet I saw him sprint over from across the party and say, “Did I hear someone say that they make the world’s best guacamole?” With a vanilla ice cream cone in my hand, I turned to him proudly and said, “Yeah, that’s me.” With intense competition in his eye, he stared at me as he rubbed his chin.

It was as if time stopped as the words, “Actually, Lisa, I make the world’s best guacamole” came out of his mouth.

WHAT?

Nobody had ever challenged my guac before. Nicole and Stephanie held their breath as I tried to comprehend the outrageous claim that Jake had just made. There was absolutely no way that we was correct. Guacamole was the one thing I was known for. Anyone with a heart should know that you don’t take that kind of honor away from someone with nothing else in her life.

But not Jake. No — he wanted to challenge me. He wanted a Guac-Off.

Finally, after 5 1/2 months and a few post-poned dates later, it happened.

Although we opened up the competition to other guacamole dishes, only one other person brought his recipe and game face. That person was my neighbor, Scott.

Although Jake had wanted to get Chipotle to sponsor the event, the Guac-Off was a bit impromptu since we had one of the World’s Best Guac Judges, Hew Harris, in town from Berkeley for only a couple of days. Here he is sampling my guac last December. (Let the record note that he ate most of it that night.)

The kick-off time was 5pm and the judges began to trickle in. Scott came over with his guac as I was still prepping mine. I felt a bit of confidence coming from Scott as he smiled at me as I squeezed the limes into the bowl. (I should have never let him borrow the onion, damn it.)

I looked at his bowl, all Saran Wrapped up, and I’m not gonna lie, I got a bit apprehensive. What was his secret?

As I continued squeezing limes and pressing garlic into the mashed up Farmer’s Market avocados, I suddenly heard the individuals in the living room making statements such as, “Wow” …“Look at that” …“Oh My God”…and “Amazing.” I shrugged it all off thinking they were watching an infomercial with Tony Little and just continued squeezing. But then I heard his voice. Jake had arrived with his guac. And the presentation was over the top.

Shit. I was screwed.

Pretending not to be intimidated by the sheer beauty of the perfectly sliced avocado and peppers on top of his guac, I told him that no matter what his looked like, he couldn’t compete with my secret ingredient.

And then he got nervous. Boo-ya, biatch.

Finally, around 6pm all the guacs were presented on the table for the judges.

In regards to the effort put forth by each person in the competition, I think Hew said it best…

But while they were all great interpretations of the classic dish, there still had to be a winner. I should have known what the outcome was going to be after seeing what the “go to” guac was at start of the competition.

You know you have something when people are scraping the bowl for the last drop.

I think this picture explains it all.

(Insert swallowing of the pride here.)

Jake won hands down. He had nine votes, I had two, and Scott had one. Because my pride is starting to digest, I can honestly say that Jake not only had the best presentation, but also the best guac. I was dead wrong. I do not make the World’s Best Guacamole…Jake Feala does. I have no idea what I was thinking when I made that claim.

I think Jake’s edge on me was that he follows the advice of Joe Paterno, the Penn State head football coach, religiously.

“The will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital.”
-Joe Paterno

I, on the other hand, follow the word of Andrew Shue.

“A good balance of winning and losing is important. If you just win all the time, you won’t get anything out of it; having some tough losses can be really important.”
-Andrew Shue, Melrose Place

That my friends, is the difference between a winner and a loser. You must be smart when picking your idols.

Here is the Individual with the World’s Best Guacamole Recipe.

At least Jake was humble about it and didn’t rub it in my face.

His prize was a large Ardy look-alike that was cut out on top to act as a bowl.

This way he can lay in the shower, eat his guacamole, and soak up his ego.

See you next year, Mr. Feala. Next time I’ll try, k?

PS Thanks to Heidi for being the paparazzi that night and taking all the pictures.

{ 2 comments }