July 2005

Bob Barker’s Microphone

Jul 27

Damn it’s small.

Anyway, on to other news: A little recap of the USA Air Guitar Championships.

First I have to say CONGRATULATIONS to Fatima “Rockness Monster” Hoang for his amazing performance at the USA Air Guitar finals. It was a powerful performance that really blew me away. (Pun most definitely intended.) There were contestants from Denver, New York, Austin, Minneapolis, Boston, Chicago and of course good ol’ LA.
I love this snapshot of Rockness Monster dominating the stage. He’s in total control. Although his outfit was not the most elaborate (except for the $0.50 streamers on his wrists) he was just all around COOL. (You may be asking why he’s wearing a t-shirt with Tony Danza on the front. At the event we asked the same question. The answer was: “It’s not Tony Danza, it’s my cousin.”) OK.
rock ness

To see his performance on the TODAY SHOW go here: http://www.airguitarusa.com/home.html

Here are some other moments from the event.

Here is William Ocean of Chicago, with his mom, Hew, and I before getting on stage. His mom passed out bumper stickers all night to everyone. That is what I call devotion. When Courtney, Hew, and I told her we went to school at Northwestern she told us to come into the Chicago fan section and just “scream for Andy.”

will ocean

She reminded me a little bit of this mom in Oulu, Finland last year who came to support her son, Irish air guitarist, Smell Gibson. Here is Kay with her Irish flag and Smell’s roadie, Denis.
oulu4

MOMS: the essential accessory for Air Guitarists World Wide.

This is a picture of Smell Gibson with Takashi, Japan’s air guitar champion, in Oulu in 2004. I’ll let you figure out who’s who.
smell gibson

Here is Courtney, Brian, and Hew with the Mime. Make some noise!!!!!!!!
mime

And finally all the Air Guitarists on stage (as well as an Air Drummer at the top of the shot) rockin’ out to “Keep On Rockin’ in the Free World” at the end of the night.
air guitar

So August 26, 2005 Rockness Monster will be hitting the C chord up near the Arctic Circle in Oulu, Finland. He will be facing Sonyk-Rok, the reigning champion and fellow American. Here she is with her American mentor C Diddy (the 2003 World Air Guitar Champ and my favorite air guitarist of all time) and of course Takashi.
c diddy

If Rockness brings home the gold this year (and by gold I mean the Flying Finn Guitar worth 2500 Euros) this will be three years in a row that the USA is home to the #1 Air Guitarist in the world. Good luck, Fatima!!!

Oh yeah and this year is the 10th Annual World Air Guitar Championships. How does one celebrate a decade worth of airness? Easy. A minute of noise will be observed the night of the finals.

Unfortunately I will not be attending this year but Hannu, an Oulu native who was nice enough to host me at his place last year, will be there. Here he is with you know who and myself.
hannu

When staying at Hannu’s place he gave me the low down on Finnish culture and in return I introduced him to the world of air guitar. (He had never been to a competition before 2004 and after witnessing the finals, vowed never miss another one again.) Aside from the WAGC, Oulu is a great city located only 200km from Santa’s house. Hannu taught me some Finnish words and informed me that Oulu natives get a kick out of the fact that the zip code 90210 in Oulu is home to the Oulu’s mental hospital. He also introduced me to Matti Nykanen, Finland’s infamous ski jumper turned pop idol star turned jail inmate for assault and attempted murder. During his prime ski jumping days Matti was known for his profound statements such as …. “Life is…Life” and “Every time I get to the top of the mountain I get this sort of Bon Voyage feeling, like I have done this sometime before” and “Germany, Austria….my home country.” A brilliant man indeed.

Here is a picture of him after an alleged brawl with his wife. When asked what happened to his face he said, “I fell in a rose bush.” Sure….
Nykanen

Oh the Good Ol’ Days of Matti.
nykanen_duze
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Gotta love Finland.
finland

Keep on rockin’ in the free world.

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113 Days Till Halloween

Jul 10

pumpkin man

As I was reading the NY Times this morning and sipping grapefruit juice with a random blueberry in it, a thought filtered into my mind.

The thought: HALLOWEEN IS AWESOME.

The second biggest dress up day of the year (right behind the Intense Individual Party) is right around the corner and Steven Clarke, the man in the pumpkin clad picture above, is sharpening the knives.

Let me explain.

October 31, 2002 was the day that changed Steven’s life. He went on the Early Show and carved 42 pumpkins in 60 minutes to win the world record for most pumpkins carved in one hour.

If anyone knows where we can get footage of this please step forth and challah.

While I do not like his smile in the picture, I have to say I am excited for him and his carving skills. While some may think that his smile says, “I love buying coloring books for my kids,” others may think that his smile says, “I’ve got a 6 inch knife in my hand.” I think the latter. Don’t get me wrong, I would like to think he’s a lover of all things innocent and playful but it’s just tough on me to trust a man who can Edward Scissorhands* 42 pumpkins in 60 minutes flat.
pumpkin man (3)

It’s quite an obvious statement but he also holds the world record for fastest pumpkin carver. He sculpted a pumpkin in just 54.72 seconds.

Riiiight.

This is where I ask the question: at what point in world record holder’s lives do they realize that they can eat the most Smarties in three minutes using chopsticks**? Does it come to them in the middle of the night? When and where does it happen?

It’s not that I want to know…I need to know.

I need to know how Al Gliniecki realized he was the master of tying cherry stems in his mouth. I need to know HOW he realized he dominated the cherry-tying field. Was it just some random Sunday afternoon?

There he is in his kitchen, he throws back a cherry stem and quickly ties it into a knot. BAM – in miliseconds it’s tied. He stands up straight, smiles, and looks at his reflection in the mirror and says, “Gee whiz! I’m really freakin’ good at that.” Is that how it happened?

I need to know when the moment was that he realized he had this talent even more so than I need to know HOW THE HELL HE TIED 39 cherry stems into knots with his tongue in three minutes on January 26, 1999.

For example, there had to be a moment in Steven Clarke’s life that he realized he kicked ass at pumpkin carving! When was it?

On a creepy note, if you look closely at the picture you will see that the pumpkin in his lap is quite grilled cheese EBAY-esque. (You know that Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich that was sold on EBAY for $28,000?) Yeah, people are bizarre.
pumpkin man (2)

I’ve got questions for this man. I think the image is of Mona Lisa but I am not going to bet the farm on it.

Well, I’ll let you think about that. I am going to go sharpen those Ginsus and then have someone take a disturbing picture of me smiling a cheesy grin with a 6 inch knife in my left hand. SAY CHEESE!

Footnotes/Astericks:

* The art of topiary has been demonstrated in an absolutely hideous way down the street from my house. That’s what I call proud homeowners…Mr. Scissorhands would be proud.
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** Katherine Ratcliffe of the UK holds the world record for the most Smarties eaten with chopsticks in three minutes. She ate 138.
smartiesn (2)

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