April 2005

Garage sales are absolutely insane.

When I woke up this past Saturday morning I didn’t realize that within a couple hours I would be in a heated bargaining debate with a Russian immigrant over a pack of lead pencil refill sticks. He tried to weasel me down from $2.00 to $1.00…. let’s just say, it got ugly. After much deliberation, I had to throw in a pack of Canadian stickers to even keep him at $1.50. Pathetic.
And it wasn’t even my garage sale! It was my brother Brian’s garage sale. The same garage sale he had been talking about for a month and it all started at way too early of an hour.

Brian knocked on my door at 7:15am. “Lisa I need your help with something,” he yelled through the door. Ahhhhh what could he possibly need at this hour…and while I was up…I was still in bed. So I dragged myself out of bed and walked outside where I heard commotion. I arrive on our driveway to find Brian rampaging through his car unloading piles of magazines and random crap. He was placing magazines on the driveway, hoards of Maxims and FHMs were being lined up in an orderly manner. I stood there looking perplexed, taking everything in one piece at a time.

A I see a vintage cassette tape on the table: “The Simpson’s Sing the Blues.” Ouch.

I turned to Brian and say, “What’s going on here?”

With sweat dripping off his face and totally out of breath he turns to me and said, “It’s Scripps Ranch Garage Sale Day. I need your help.”

Oh Yeah…right….I had forgot…the garage sale he drove down from LA for. It was this weekend.

“What do you want me to do?” I asked

As he scribbled a price on a piece of paper, he said, “I need help with the advertising. I need you to make a sign.”

So I began the process of marketing schemes. How will I entice these customers to stop? What to write? What to write?….ahhh YES! I have it. THE IDEA!!! The slogan that will drive them in! It will be big and I will write it in block letters. (I can draw a pretty solid S in block letter font.) I felt pretty motivated and began to go to town on the sign. It took me about twenty minutes because I had to color in each block letter for impact, but it was worth it. I started taping up the letters one by one to reveal the sign: THERE IS A LOT GOING ON HERE.

I felt proud, especially with my S.

As I stood there admiring the work I had just accomplished on only 4 hours of sleep, Brian walked up behind me and read the sign out loud. “There is a lot going on here?” I could tell that he was not digging the sign. He hinted at the fact that he wanted more of an obvious sign: aka…”GARAGE SALE”….But I wasn’t about to start over. (Like Ms. Stein made me do in 3rd grade….I am still holding a grudge.) I reminded him of the Ms. Stein story and he just nodded and walked away. He didn’t want me to have to deal with one of those again.

A few minutes later my little brother Matt and my mom came out to help and suddenly the games had begun….people started to flock in…Louie and Doug and Benson and Anthony….and the Russian immigrant. Bargaining ensued and the customers swarmed the tables full of JUNK like seagulls on a hot dog bun hunt. Lemonade was made and given away “free with purchase.” Things were really starting to kick into high gear. Some man rushed in looking for a “trenching tool” – we didn’t have one – he turned around without saying anything else – and left. Some people new exactly what they were looking for, others were just out for a casual Saturday morning stroll through people’s crap.

I decided I had to capture the moment and so I grabbed the camera, placed Ardy on the Two dollar table…and snapped away.

The phone rang inside and I went to go answer it. I ended up on the phone for about 30 minutes not even realizing I had left Ardy on the two dollar table. As I got off the phone – I remembered. OH NO! I ran outside to take him off the table…BUT…. he was gone.

I turned to my mom and said, “Uhhhh….Mom…where is Ardy?” She then put her hand to her mouth and looked at the two dollar table in panic mode. “Oh God, THAT was Ardy? Lis, I thought it was just a random duck. Someone just bought him,” she said. UM! WHAT! ARE YOU SERIOUS!!?!?! For how much? “For 25 cents,” she said.

I was speechless. What had I done….who bought him??? And more importantly, why did he only go for 25 cents??? This was not good. I had made a big mistake here. I was careless. I put him out like he meant nothing to me, like he was of equal importance to “The Simpson’s Sing the Blues.”

I began to frantically pace the driveway, thoughts running through my mind…why why why!?!?! Then my mom started to laugh…and threw Ardy at me. “Haha…just kidding,” she joked. She then went on to reprimand me by saying, “Serves you right for leaving him out here, up for grabs.” I guess she hadn’t even realized he was on the table until someone picked him up and offered her 25 cents for him…Luckily, she knew better!

So yeah….that was a close call again with Ardy. Poor fella.

I guess you could say it was a lesson learned. As if I hadn’t learned from the swan incident already. Later that day I reflected on that moment and realized that sometimes when dealing with Ardy, I play with fire and I have to remember rubber is flammable. I need to be more careful with him.

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Over the past year poor Ardy, the rubber duck, has taken a beating. Let’s just say Ardy in flight is not as easy to capture as one may assume. (Thanks, Noodle.) It has been over a year now since I bought Ardy and I felt I needed to make my apology to Ardy public. He has been a victim here…he had no idea what I was about to do to him as I paid $5.99 for him last year in San Francisco.

In Lucerne, Switzerland Ardy was attacked by a swan…(I almost lost him that day)….but thanks to Penny and a bunch of Japanese tourists….he was saved….

In Comrie, Scotland Ardy was attacked by a rooster….

And in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico he had his run in with a swarm of pigeons…

It’s been a tough, tough year for Ardy. He’s been thrown in the air without being caught so many times in order to capture “the Kodak moment,” he now has permanent bruises on his head.

The reason I bought Ardy in the first place was actually pretty random. My brother and I were about to start working on a short film called “Life Outside the Tub”….a film about what happens when rubber ducks are taken out of the bathroom and released to the wild. We had a couple rubber ducks we were going to use for the film but nothing really special. So when I was up in San Francisco visiting friends last March I thought it would be good to get some footage of a rubber duck and the Golden Gate Bridge….but unfortunaetly I had forgot to bring any of the ducks with me on my trip.

So as Anne, Saskia, and I were being OVER THE TOP tourists at Fisherman’s Warf I stopped by the World Market and purchased Ardy. As luck would have it…he was even better than the ones at home!! Perfect size…perfect face….just perfect. He would be the new star of the film…and his name would be Ardy (RD = Rubber Duck.) The next day, Anne had taken off back to Wisconsin and Saskia and I were wandering around the city in search for coke in a bottle (there really is nothing better.) After we finally found it and gulped it down like one of those 80′s commericals, it was time to go get some video clips of Ardy and the Golden Gate.

Let’s just say: Havoc Ensued.

Rolling our jeans up, we stepped into the bay and into the frigid water. Saskia was a trooper and got Ardy in the right spot as I held the camera, getting ready to record this mayhem. The individuals on the beach throwing Frisbees and tennis balls to dogs stared in shock at these two blonde girls standing knee high in the water with a rubber duck and a video camera. Oh and by the way…did I mention it was MARCH?!?!?! Nobody was in the water except us and a few Golden Retrievers. Ahhh…what you do for the sake of art….

So, Sas placed the duck in the water but something was really really wrong…it would not sit up straight. Defected rubber duck? No! There had to be a way to fix it. The solution??? He needed to be weighted down. Yes! We ran out of the water and searched for change in our purses. People were strolling by on this crisp afternoon with sweatshirts and turtlenecks, shaking their heads in utter confusion at these two girls running in and out of the water with a rubber duck. So we started the process of elimination of genius ideas.

1) Open up the hole in the bottom and fill Ardy with coins. NOPE. Still not sitting up straight.

2) Ahhh Floss! Saskia grabbed her floss out of her purse and tied it to Ardy. “As long as the string of floss is long enough”…NOPE.

3) We then asked the man throwing the tennis ball to his Lab if he would be ever so kind and let us borrow his ball thrower. (you know those rubber things that hold the tennis ball for the dog so you do not need to “throw your arm out”) He was kind enough to oblige without asking the question we were dreading…WHY? Running back to the water, we placed Ardy in the ball holder – yeah you guessed right….NOPE! The look on the man’s face when we handed him back his ball thrower was priceless.

4) So the only other option…GET WET….Yes, BRILLIANT! Lisa will get in the water, holding Ardy as Saskia records the shot. More control that way. Lisa will be “so deep down” you will not see her!! I mean the bay isn’t the clearest of waters.

One….

Two….

Three….

Four…

Nope…..

Awkward.

Well, after a near fatal accident with the video camera and us soaking wet on the verge of pneumonia, the shot had to be compromised. For the sake of our health we had to settle for a pseudo straight shot of Ardy…and I have to say that him sitting up straight like that had nothing to do with our genius ideas. (insert swallowing of pride here.)

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Remember him? How could you forget? Vincent D’Onofrio? The actor that played the real life comic book hero, Thor, in 1987′s Adventures in Babysitting….(Yes the same individual that Renee Zellweger thanked during her speech for her Best Supporting Actress Oscar in 2004). Correct me if I’m wrong, but I just find that totally bizarre. I mean, why would Renee thank Thor? Her words: (I’d like to thank) “Vincent D’Onofrio for teaching me how to work.” Yes, they were co-stars in The Whole Wide World back in ’96, but that does not explain why she thanked him. Something must have HAPPENED on that set! What did he do? Could he have really changed her life that much? I mean I didn’t question it when she thanked Tom Cruise right after Vincent…I mean…he “had her at hello”…duh! But what did Thor have her at? If anyone knows this…please tell me …it’s really starting to bother me.

Like Flight of the Navigator, Adventures in Babysitting is one of those movies that I reflect upon from time to time. On average, I’d say I’ve thought about A.I.B about eight times a year since 1987. (More when I lived in Chicago… 1998-2003.) Sometimes it pops into my mind at random times like when I am beating my brother Rick at tennis, but most of the time it happens because I see something that reminds me of a scene from the movie. I mean obviously when I see a chair with an attached TV…nostalgic memories fill my mind. The way Penelope Ann Miller’s near-sighted character, Brenda, sat in those bleak TV-attached-seats in that Chicago bus station, strapped for cash. Heartbreaking. Couldn’t even buy a hot dog with a check! TOUGH. Then there were times I would be driving into downtown Chicago and spot the Smurfit-Stone Building and think about how poor little Sara Anderson (played by Maia Brewton) hung onto that famous triangle shaped building while her parents partied inside. Again… TOUGH. All she wanted to do was meet Thor (aka: Renee’s muse) and there she was, near-death!! Sara wore that helmet with two horns with pride and I will never forget that moment that Sara and Thor shared when she gave him her beloved headpiece. Touching.

I know you are probably wondering…what’s up with the cast of this underrated 1987 movie? What are they doing now?!?!? So I took the liberty to put togther a little “where are they now segment” so you all can start resting peacefully.

SOOO….WHERE ARE THEY NOW? THE CAST OF ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING….

ELIZABETH SHUE: who played the main character, Chris Parker, just wrapped an untitled Kurt Russel/Dakota Fanning project. If you are wondering who Dakota Fanning is…yeah, she is the little blonde girl that is currently cast in every major film coming out in the next ten years.

MAIA BREWTON: as I mentioned above, played Sara Anderson, lover of Thor. Her last acting gig, a short film titled: Is This Your Mother? She graduated from Yale in ’98.

KEITH COOGAN: who played Brad Anderson, the kid OBSESSED with Chris Parker (how could you forget him?), was last seen in Soulkeeper as “Male Tour Guide.”

ANTHONY RAPP: who played Daryl Coopersmith, has just reunited with the director of A.I.B and is filming the movie version of RENT.

PENELOPE ANN MILLER: the beloved broke Brenda is now filming the movie Personal Effects. She used to date Al Pacino.

GEORGE NEWBERN: the guy who played not only the memorable frat boy E. Shue falls in love with, but also the fiance in 1991’s smash hit Father or the Bride and 1995’s flop of a sequel Father of the Bride Part 2, can be seen currently in the Disney Channel Original Movie, Buffalo Dreams.

And last but not least: VINCENT D’ONOFRIO: THOR!!!! You can currently see him in Thumbsucker with Keanu Reeves and Vince Vaughn.

Well, there ya go.

I’m off to go find me one of those helmets, eat some Captain Crunch, and scale some buildings.

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About a year ago I found out about a very disturbing website called www.celinedreams.com …a forum where fans of Celine Dion are able to write in to let the other members know what kind of dreams they had about Ms. Dion the night before. One word: SICK.

It was excruciatingly painful but I gave it a thorough (nice spelling…huh, Sas?) read and realized that there are some really messed up people out there. Some of my friends and I had a solid laugh over it for a few days but there is only so much you can handle until you need to just say no more.

Well, last night as I laid in bed I was listening to a guilty soft and contemporary radio station called KYXY 96.5. As I laid there peacefully, trying to hit REM, I heard it — the voice on the radio, “My heart will gooooo on” — oh Celine. They say the last thing you think of before going to bed is what you will end up dreaming of…thank God I didn’t fall asleep for a couple more songs. As I laid there listening to the Academy Award winning song of 1998, I couldn’t control it…thoughts of www.celinedreams.com filled my mind. Ahhhh….I tried to think of rainbows and roses and whiskers on kittens but to no avail. I couldn’t get that website out of my mind. Luckily, somehow I fell asleep…(don’t remember when – never do.)

Morning came, and the alarm blasted. I rolled out of bed, stretched my arms up into the air…sweet..no nightmares. Didn’t even remember any of my dreams. Oh well. I meandered into the bathroom, brushed my teeth, grabbed some coffee, and then turned the computer on to check the morning websites and email. Up until then I hadn’t even thought about the Celine or the website. But then BAM. It hit me. All my thoughts from the previous night came back full throttle. I tried to eliminate it from my mind but I couldn’t do it, there was like a magnetic force was drawing me to the site. Curiosity got the best of me and I gave in. I decided to pop into celinedreams.com for a quick second. I mean it had been a year, I could handle it right? WRONG. I clicked on the link…OH NO!!!! The site had been updated beyond my wildest nightmares. Celine herself was now a part of the game. There was even a link to Celine’s own personal dreams. So I took a deep breath, looked in the mirror and said, “Lisa, you can do this…” and clicked on the link.

Before you read her dream that I copied and pasted below, let me just tell you, it was so bad that I had to close the window afterwards, walk into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. Here you go: brace yourselves:

“Apple Dream” of Celine Dion

“I am one of those people who have recurrent dreams, seeing the same sequence over and over. Almost every night I dreamed I’d swallowed a big, hard, cold apple that had gotten stuck at the back of my throat. I’d wake up terrified. Sometimes I’d go for hours without sleeping because of the sensation of that apple in my throat. I don’t think I’d ever felt so vulnerable and so helpless.”

WOW. Never felt so vulnerable and helpless??? At least apples are made up of 25% air. I think there should be a new site started called Celine’s Mares (no not the Arabian horses….I’m talking about the ones we have at night).

After I regained my composure and dried off my face, I forced myself to check out the fan’s dreams. I only had to read one to realize these were even more ridiculous. Here is just one of them:

Fan Dream #66

Becky 35, UK:

“I was in a strange building (glass front) not sure where it was… and I was due to meet Celine with a few other people… I was so excited as I’m a singer myself and I knew it would be my only chance to get my CD to her for her to perhaps listen to! We were escorted into a room but I found I had forgotten the CD and I was panic stricken! I tried to ask her to wait while I went and got one but she couldn’t stop. I actually woke up crying because I was so upset. It wasn’t a nice dream at all.”

The interpreter (yes there is one on the site)….says…”Becky, please don’t be upset, it was just a dream.”

Oh, thank you for that, interpreter.

(DISCLAIMER!!!!! I know there are a few people out there (I will not name names…you know who Hew guys are) who will read this and think, “Lisa didn’t you admit back in ’01 that you are guilty for Celine Dion songs?” I will be the bigger person here and just be brutally honest: Yes. I did say that. It was a weird time for me, alright? That whole Chrysler commercial spectacle Celine pulled on us got the best of me and I once in awhile found myself sometimes blissed out in my Jetta on Lakeshore Drive, listening to the song a “New Day Has Come,” daydreaming/pretending my ghetto Jetta was a Chrysler.” But people change, ok? I am over that very shameful time in my life.

Sweet dreams,
Lisa

Food for thought on this Tuesday night: You’ve had daydreams but have you ever had a daymare? Think about it.

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